| A resurgence... |
[Nov. 10th, 2004|08:57 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  mellow | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | 'Moscow' by Genghis Khan | ] |
...of a very old feeling.
I remember that warm, tingly feeling that I used to get when I was younger. It happened when I came out of the movie theatre after a particularly thrilling film or anticipated the next episode of a TV show. It's hard to describe or explain it, but it felt like the entire universe was opened up and every possible possibility lay exposed before me. My heart expanded and I was filled with more joy than I could comprehend.
The full feeling never lasted very long; perhaps an hour or two. But for days afterwards the faint traces would remain. I hadn't felt that way in many years, and still remembered it fondly, almost wistfully.
And now it's back. Ebbing and flowing, but I can not erase the stupified smile from my face, and it's got nothing to do with drugs. |
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| Oh joy of joys... |
[Oct. 4th, 2004|09:21 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | ecstatic | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Silence. | ] |
D. has finally got a day job. Hoorah! After 16 years of night shift (driving), D. is officially working during the day and sleeping at night.
His little brother Joe, helped him get the job working for Dahlsen's in the Frame and Truss department. And I can't believe how happy it's made us. Words can't explain it, and wouldn't do it justice. |
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| Seeing red... |
[Sep. 27th, 2004|08:10 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | chipper | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Monty Python - Philosopher's Song | ] |
...cause I've been painting with it all day. Yup, been down the Clubrooms again. All that unpaid, unrecognised volunteer labour is of great personal satisfaction. (sic)
Dancing Cats and Neglected Murderesses - You are a bit bitter in some ways about how life has treated you, but you will do anything to change it around...anything!
Which Edward Gorey Book Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla |
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| Another little step... |
[Sep. 6th, 2004|09:35 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | excited | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Who wants to be a millionaire? - TV | ] |
... into the realm of self-employment.
Today I officially registered as the sole trader of Ripples Magazine. Woo Hoo! As you can probably see, I'm very excited. I know it's taking a long time to get this venture off the ground, but I'd rather take my time and think things through, than rush ahead and fall flat on my arse.
So when the certificate arrives, I will go to my local bank and open an account. One step closer to receiving subscriptions! *does a little dance* |
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| Not looking forward... |
[Jul. 28th, 2004|07:56 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  crappy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Skithouse - on TV | ] |
...to this weekend. At all!
Christine's nana died the other day, so we sent her some flowers on behalf of the soccer club. But that does mean that there's a chance she'll be too distraught to run the Canteen on Saturday. I say chance because some people deal with their grief by sticking to a routine and keeping busy, others don't. I'll wait until Friday before I call. I can handle all the ordering and stuff. That's my favourite part actually.
But either way it's going to be a busy weekend. And not fun busy or motivational busy. Nasty busy. Tired feet, just want to curl up and die - busy. Yuck. |
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| Hmm, another cold day in Hell... |
[Jul. 20th, 2004|10:40 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  determined | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | rain falling outside and the frost forming on my nose. | ] |
... Oh sorry, I mean Traralgon. Same thing really. But it's frickin' cold. I've had the heater running non-stop every day for the last couple of weeks now. And I'm terrified of the upcoming gas bill.
But the rain's been good. Our back yard is clay so we've developed a nice little dam. It'll be months before we can walk on it without sinking. Must make a mental note to put extra drainage in.
As for the magazine saga, I've worked out most of the business stuff but I still can't come up with a title that really strikes me. And no one I've spoken to has been terribly helpful either. I guess they think that it's a flash in the pan, and I'll never make it work.
I want to prove them wrong. |
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| A small step towards my goals. |
[Jun. 14th, 2004|08:54 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  accomplished | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Las Vegas - on TV | ] |
Yep, today I finally got off my backside and began working out the details for my main goal. I'm going to publish a fiction magazine. It's something I've always wanted to do, and I think that it would truly be a dream job. But all I've ever done is think about it, until today.
So I'm feeling quite cheerful, even though I have a cold. I can smile and sniffle at the same time though. |
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| It's been a long weekend... |
[Apr. 25th, 2004|09:19 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  sleepy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Nurse Betty - on TV | ] |
And I will be very glad for the week to start so I can get some rest.
Friday - Four hours in the morning scrubbing soccer club toilet block and changerooms. Urgh. Spent the rest of the day scrubbing my own house.
Saturday - Got up early and worked on the soccer club website. Then helped out in the canteen at junior soccer for 4 hours.
Sunday - Ran the canteen from 9:15am to 6pm. Also found time to clean the changerooms again. Sort of. Absolutely shagged.
Planning the big snooze-in for tomorrow morning. Bring it on. |
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| Your Dad's going to be fine, but... |
[Mar. 2nd, 2004|08:41 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | melancholy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Simsons (on TV) | ] |
I really hate when Mum starts her phone call off like this. Once it was your Dad's OK, but he's fallen out of a tree.
This time Dad's got gout. For a second I just thought, What the F***? Isn't gout some sort of gangrene that sailors used to get? Then Mum was telling me about how he couldn't walk without a frame and then he fell on the stairs. I listened with incredulity because he's a very active guy who still works 6 days a week in a factory, with other handyman-type jobs for people around town.
But Mum assures me that it's a treatable condition, and she SMSed me a few minutes ago, saying that they can now take the walking frame back to the Chemist. Apparently the center of the dining table looks like a Pharmacy now. |
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| The Worst Valentines Day ever... |
[Feb. 17th, 2004|02:27 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | morose | ] |
A horrible day that I'm not real keen on dredging up but as I have been neglecting my handwritten journal, I'd best make sure that I put down an account somewhere.
David had worked the night before, so I was quite prepared for him to crawl into bed just as I got up. I gave him a kiss as I always do and got Alex off to school.
When 1pm finally came around, I put David's gift and a little card on the table, and went to wake him up. Then I got the washing in and started to fold it as I waited. When David came in he saw the gift, and sort of paused for a second before saying "I told you not to get anything." Then he stomped into the lounge and turned the TV on.
He sat there for an hour or so, without speaking. So I put the gift (it's a DVD) in the cabinet with the rest, tore up the card and threw it away. We didn't speak until about 5pm when he said that it was time to go grocery shopping.
He asked why I seemed upset and I told him. He said "Oh." Then he drove around town for a few minutes, trying to find a cafe that was still open (there was only one and because they were gearing up to the evening meal rush, they'd only serve us coffee, which I didn't want but David ordered anyway.) It was quite awkward and he seemed angry that I didn't appreciate what he'd done for me.
I'm so disappointed that I can't find the words to describe how hurt I am. We've been together for more than 4 years now, and he's never been like that before. He's never been the most romantic man on the planet, but he always made some small effort. But this year was awful.
*Sorry for the rant* |
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| Party of the Decade... |
[Feb. 8th, 2004|08:12 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | content | ] |
And what a party it was. We just hosted a 40th birthday party and it was superb.
About 50 people turned up and we put on a BBQ. The weather was nice, fairly warm until the sun went down. But then we lit a fire and it was so cosy. We'd put on the alcohol, so everyone was pretty merry by now. But no one was particularly ill.
Oh and everybody was dancing, including the oldies which is always so fun to watch. They just got down with their bad selves. And it wound up at 4am. Excellent stuff. I've certainly never had such a successful party.
I know I haven't done the evening justice, and one day (when I'm not so hungover) I might edit this post and do it right. But for now, you'll just have to take my word for it. |
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| Afraid... |
[Feb. 4th, 2004|10:06 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  anxious | ] |
Not terrified, but afraid. And it may seem silly to you, but as this is my journal entry, I'm going to write it anyway.
Our weight-lifting club is having it's first Championship on Saturday. I've never competed before. I feel like I'm going to make a right arse of myself. And to make it worse, the local news will be covering the event. *shivers* Not good.
The two other girls who are lifting are much more attractive than me, and lift almost as much. Surely the camera will be focused on them and not me. I can only hope. And I really do hope that. I hate to be the centre of attention. I can't believe that I was actually convinced to compete at all. But I was. And I will. I'll lift. I won't bomb out. And then it will be over.
Doesn't make me any less afraid. |
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| Can't sleep... |
[Jan. 24th, 2004|07:09 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | crappy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Barney the Dinosaur. | ] |
...because my nose is blocked up and I feel crappy. Not a great start to the day considering that I've got a 30th birthday party to attend tonight. It's going to be pretty cool, so I don't want to flake out halfway through. Will have to have a good snooze this afternoon. |
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| Hmm, the lure of Sci-Fi... |
[Jan. 22nd, 2004|07:42 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | happy | ] |
Just finished reading Robert Heinlein's A Fall of Moondust. I read it once when I was quite young, it was the first one that I ever picked from Dad's little library. Good memories.
And this must be some sort of record. It's been years since I've read so much. Feels damn good. |
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| An interesting view of the world... |
[Jan. 19th, 2004|02:09 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | scared | ] |
I've just finished reading George Orwell's 1984. Mine was probably the only school that didn't study it, so this is obviously my first time reading it.
I liked it. And at the same time, it scared the absolute shite out of me. The book had me until the point where Julia and Winston go to O'Brien's house. When he asks them what they're prepared to do for The Brotherhood, and they say 'yes' to all the horrible things he mentions like throwing acid in a child's face. J and W are thinking to themselves that they are more human than the Party and that by rebelling they are going to preserve humanity. And yet some of these dispicable acts are the antithesis of what they claim to be searching for. That just threw the 'suspended disbelief' for me.
And even though I can't imagine existing is such a world, I have no doubt as to the possibility of the future coming to resemble it. There are people who believe in this kind of world and are indeed searching for power, for power's sake. That scares me very much.
But now I'm going to go and rent the film, even though I've been told that it kind of sucks. I like to try these things for myself.
Has anyone else read the book or seen the movie? |
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| Delayed grieving. |
[Jan. 17th, 2004|03:53 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | tired | ] |
This week, I just haven't had the energy to raise my hands let alone train or write or knit or clean or cook or do anything. Everything seems to be such a tremendous effort. So difficult to even keep breathing. I've been sleeping straight through the night (pretty much), sometimes for as long as 12 hours. And sometimes only 6.
The world seems too dark and awful to even try and comprehend. |
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| A disturbing revelation... |
[Jan. 11th, 2004|02:59 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | distressed | ] |
Well, I don't know if it would disturb everyone, but it frightened the shit out of me.
Dave, Rachel and I were discussing the afterlife, a common topic since their mother died. And somehow we got around to how we would live our lives if we believed with absolute certainty that we would not be judged in any way when we died. That no matter what we did in this life, we would all be treated the same. David said that he would be a drug runner, or pimp or whatever it took to be rich. He'd lie, cheat, steal and disregard everyone but himself. He said that the only reason that he is nice to people today is because he believes that there is a judgement waiting for him.
I was horrified. I couldn't do that. Even if I knew that it didn't matter, I still would think of others first. Am I the freak? Does everyone think like David? After hearing those words from his mouth, I don't know if I feel the same way about him. |
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| Just like old times... |
[Jan. 7th, 2004|09:59 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  apathetic | ] |
And I don't really mean that in a nice way.
I went to work at 10am. Anthony wasn't there. He wasn't arriving till 1pm. Fair enough. I did some binding and chatted to Mick who is the new graphic designer. Wayne has obviously quit. I think Mick wants Anthony to employ someone to work at the counter while he works on the 'puters.
Nothing's changed. Still felt the same as I served at the counter. The same fears. The same irritation. I'm just not cut out for customer service. It's not for me. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing but respect for people who can smile and say "Have a nice day", and mean it. I just can't do it.
Anyway, Anthony called to say that he wouldn't be there until 4pm and wondered if I could hang around until then. I said no. (Yay me!) He said, that's OK and that he'd call me to let me know when to come in next. It's 10pm and no call. Maybe I surprised him. Apart from the day I quit, I have never said no. |
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| An Interesting Proposal... |
[Jan. 6th, 2004|03:52 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
Not from David, I'm afraid. I wish.
Anthony has just called. He's the guy who bought the company I used to work for. I quit shortly afterwards, because I couldn't handle being in charge of so much any more. I'd been running the place on my own for about 6 months, and to be honest all I wanted was for someone to come in and be the boss.
Well, it's been just over a year since I quit, and this morning I get a phone call. Anthony wants me to work for a few days while he has a bit of a holiday. From what I hear he's had a really busy year, especially since one of his competitors went bust.
I've said that I'll help him out. After paying for the funeral, I can't deny that we need the money. But he did sort of imply that he may be interested in having me back on a more permanent basis. I don't know what to do, really. If I could just work on the projects and not have to serve at the counter, I would jump at the chance. But I don't think that a)the business is big enough or b)that there are enough other staff to ensure this.
I'm going in to check the place out at 10am tomorrow. See what's changed and all that. I guess I'll have to play things by ear. |
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| On the second last day of the year... |
[Jan. 6th, 2004|09:14 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | sad | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Shalamar - A Night To Remember | ] |
Judy died on December 30th, 2003. She went into a coma, so the nurse called all of the family. Her mother arrived from Melbourne, and everyone gathered around to tell her that they loved her and that it was time to let go. She died an hour later at the age of 56.
I was in Robinvale at the time. We went shopping and when we got home, there was a message from David on the machine. I knew what had happened as soon as I heard his voice. I'm so sorry that I wasn't there with him. He has an enormous family so he certainly wasn't alone, but I don't know if I can forgive myself for not coming home sooner.
The funeral was on the 2nd of January. It was beautiful but gut-wrenchingly sad. I couldn't look at David and his siblings as they got up to speak. I just stared out of the window and tried desperately not to break into hysterics. I managed pretty well, except when they played music. That always gets to me. I have to thank David's aunty Jan for sitting beside me and holding my hand. I couldn't have made it through without her. |
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